


things will be okay

by regionals



Series: Joshler QAF!AU [2]
Category: Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, HIV/AIDS, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Past Drug Addiction, angsty but not THAT angsty, angsty enough that it stings tho, early 2000's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-09 09:38:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10409229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regionals/pseuds/regionals
Summary: sometimes shit doesn't work out the way you thought it would and sometimes what you want isn't what you need.





	

**Author's Note:**

> concept: okay i like jallon's dynamic in endless but its a joshler fic and jallon would be out of place so im gonna take what i like about jallon in that fic and turn it into another fic ENJOY

you don't want to be here. you've been in places like this before, and it never works out, but you're here, so you have to deal with it, you guess. tyler went out of his way to find this group for you, and he didn't have to, so you don't have it in you to not go.

"hi, i'm josh," _hello, josh,_ "and i'm a drug addict." you're standing at a podium staring at a room of fifteen other people. no one looks skeptical or judgmental and you're glad about that. you feel out of place here. you're tall, you look like a respectable citizen, you have (or had) a nice job and you wear nice clothes. you feel like you don't belong.

you keep your story short. you're twenty eight years old, and you're a recovering cocaine addict. cocaine wasn't the only thing you did or smoked, but it was the main one, so it's the one you focus on. you don't want to rattle off a list of all the club drugs you (used to) regularly use and all of the different strains of weed you preferred, or that one really expensive vodka that you like that you drink half a bottle of each night. or drank, past tense. you talk about how you ruined your life and how you're trying to get back onto your feet.

you've been to na before, and you only stick around long enough to get a welcome chip before you're exiting the lgbt center downtown and walking towards the parking garage you parked your car in. you barely get out of the door before someone's grabbing your shoulder and you almost grab their hand and yank them to the ground. years of self defense training, you suppose.

"hey, man, aren't you going to stick around?" you've turned to look at the man who'd grabbed your shoulder. he's pretty. kinda. okay, not kinda. he's gorgeous but you're in a shitty mood, still going through withdrawals, although not as bad as they were two weeks ago.

"too overwhelming." it's the truth, but the even bigger truth is that you just want to go back to your condo and sleep until tyler shows up before he has to go to work and makes you show him the welcome chip.

the man smiles a little knowingly, and fully steps outside with you now. "walk with me?"

you feel like you'd hurt his feelings if you said 'no' so you shrug and motion for him to lead the way. he walks next to you and you sort of hate that this part of downtown is fucking _empty_ right now. there's a few people, sure, but it's not busy like it usually is. "i didn't stick around long enough to get your name," you mumble, trying to be at least somewhat friendly.

"it's dallon." he keeps his introduction short. he just tells you his name before he asks, "how long have you been clean?"

"three weeks. you?"

"nine years and ten months."

you huff. of course, he's one of _those_ people. the ones who can actually _stop_ using. for _good._ "how?" that's all you ask, want to ask, know to ask.

"a life or death situation that lead to rehab, and going to weekly na meetings, only missing them if absolutely necessary."

"you make it sound easy."

"it's not." he's right. "hardest thing i've done, but i've stuck with it. why did you go to that meeting? obviously you didn't want to be there."

"you're not wrong. my best friend-slash-ex boyfriend made me. failed a drug test last month and got fired from my job, then overdosed on accident a day or two later. i could've died and it scared the shit out of him. it took him until this week to convince me, or to at least pester me enough."

"you came, so that matters. personally, i think if you _really_ didn't want to be there, then you wouldn't have gone." he's also right about this.

you don't answer, you just shrug. this strange man with a kind of strange name (one you haven't seen before) is trying to get you to open up and some how he's succeeding. you still don't say anything until he speaks again, though.

"when i was eighteen, i, uh, fell in with a bad crowd, y'know? i was going to a college out of state, i was depressed, and i didn't know anyone. eighteen year olds are stupid, and like every other stupid eighteen year old, i let my girlfriend talk me into trying heroin."

you wince. you know heroin is bad. it's the only thing you haven't touched. crystal meth? no biggie, it just gave you a headache. cocaine? you built your life around it and depended on it. weed? well, everyone loves weed. amyl nitrate? the shit. ecstasy? amazing. lsd? fun once in a while. heroin? the shit you have nightmares about, basically. you've heard too many horror stories about heroin. "sounds fun."

he chuckles. "seemed like it at the time. our relationship was wicked unhealthy. i mean, all we we would do all day would be drugs, then we'd have sex. she broke up with me at some point, though, and, like, you'd think that after _she,_ one of the worst heroin addicts i've fuckin' met, broke up with _me,_ a stupid twenty year old, i would've gotten my shit together."

"but you didn't," you assume.

"you're right."

"let me guess, you had a few more hard years, then you found god again, struggled a little bit at first, met the love of your life, and it's been smooth sailing since then."

"i wish!" he laughs cynically for a few moments. "i never lost god. i've always been a good little mormon boy at heart, i just got off track. after the girlfriend broke up with me, i met a new group of junkies, and figured out that, hey, shooting heroin in your veins was more effective than smoking it."

"i preferred to snort my cocaine."

he chuckles dryly. "the winter after i turned twenty three was when i stopped using for good. had to, really. i always tried to kick it cold turkey, and tried to do it on my own, so on this very special week in february, i was in full-tilt withdrawals and i had the flu, or i thought i did, at least. i mean, i was all sorts of nauseous, i had a fever, sore throat, my lymph nodes were swollen, and i was really achy. those are flu symptoms, right?"

you nod. "yeah, they are." you're not sure what he's getting at, but he's listing the symptoms of the acute illness stage of hiv and he's buying coffee for you at a street cart, so you're just going to let him continue.

"exactly. it went on for a few weeks and i went to my doctor because for me, two weeks was a helluva long time to be dealing with the flu. i always had a good immune system and was never sick for more than a few days at a time, so i figured i may as well go get a flu shot. my doctor knew i was using heroin. never turned me in or anything but i told him, because it's a thing you have to tell doctors, i guess. i knew it was a stupid thing i was doing, but healthcare is important."

"get to the point."

"i am. let me talk, man." he gets you in the arm with his elbow. "anyways, i was sitting there, babbling on about how i was feeling so bad, and he had this _look_ on his face. you know that feeling when you're doing math, and you suddenly figure out how to do the problem?"

you're an accountant. you know. you nod.

"that's the look he had on his face when he suggested i get tested for hiv, because, apparently, the acute illness phase of hiv, i think that's what he called it--that phase can seem like you just have a wicked bad case of the flu. when i was using it was in the early nineties, and the internet wasn't around so i couldn't have gone and educated myself on what hiv was, and how infection could occur. i thought it was from unprotected sex only, and i didn't think you could get it from a dirty needle."

"you have hiv, don't you?"

he nods. "yep. it wasn't really a life or death situation, but i knew if i didn't get my shit together, then i _would_ die. my parents are the bomb. they didn't pass any judgment on me when i told them about what'd been going on. my mom was the one who made me go to a fucking rehab center, and i hated her for it for the first few months i was there, but after that i didn't. i needed it, man. i was only going to slip up if i hadn't have gone and i know it. i went to weekly na meetings while i was there, and kept going to them once i was out of there as well. even when we moved from ogden to here i kept going. i've missed three meetings. one was the week my parents, and i by association, moved, and two were weeks that i ended up in the hospital after my antivirals quit working and i got a cold."

"are you trying to tell me to be glad i don't have it bad?"

"no! no, not at all, man. i'm just saying that i _get it._ i know how hard this stuff is. i mean, sure, i think you're lucky that you're not hiv positive, but i also know that you've been clean for less than a month, and i know that at a month, it seems impossible, and it's not. like, if i can do it, and let me tell you, i was hopeless, then you can too."

you're pretty sure dallon is one of those people who is annoyingly right all the time, because for the half hour you've been talking to him, he _has_ been annoyingly right. "how old are you?"

"thirty two."

"you were in your early twenties. i'm twenty eight."

"so? i know a fifty four year old who started going to aa just last year, and he's been doing fabulously."

"i've gone to na in the past and i've never stuck with it for more than a month or two. don't know why now is any different."

"maybe it wont be, but you're trying, and that's all that matters."

"cocaine wasn't the only thing i did, by the way." tyler's your only real friend, and the only one who knows the depths of your issues.

"can i ask what else?"

"club drugs, mostly. i tried crystal meth a few times, but it didn't do the trick for me. i never really believed anyone when they said drug addiction and stuff like hiv or whatever was a huge problem in the lgbt community, but since i went to an na meeting when i was, like, twenty three--since then i believe it." currently, you're sitting in a little courtyard kind of area at a picnic table, sipping your coffee. it's cold and the coffee is, currently, your only source of heat. "i have a long ass list of shit i did, but for the most part i stuck to cocaine, poppers, and ecstasy. alcohol and weed were a given, but weed isn't bad for you, within reason."

"are you done with alcohol and weed too?"

"yeah. if i started drinking and smoking pot again i'd convince myself that using narcotics wasn't too far of a reach, then i'd find myself in this situation again."

"i have a beer once in a while if i have a particularly rough day. i never had a problem with alcohol, so i figure the occasional bottle of beer doesn't hurt too much. added, i'm old, and can handle myself."

"you aren't that old. a lot of my friends are in their mid to late thirties. the youngest person i even associate with is my ex boyfriend, and he turned twenty six a few weeks ago."

"you still actually talk to your ex?"

"he was my best friend before we were together, and he never stopped being my best friend. it just didn't work out." you smile sadly. you're still in love with tyler, honestly, but he's engaged to jenna. jenna is nice and you love her too, although platonically. she's good for tyler. really good. hell, she's the reason _he's_ clean. "we had an unhealthy relationship when we were together. he had a drug problem too, and as did i, and we just egged each other on. he's been clean for two years since he met his fiance. she's--she's been great to him. i'm happy for them."

"i haven't been with anyone in a long, _long_ time." now he _actually_ looks sad.

"why not?"

"hiv. no one i've been with since the girlfriend i had has been willing to deal with it. they never look past the disease, and it fucking sucks. they hear 'hi, i'm dallon, i'm hiv positive--' then run the other way."

"what's the rest of that introduction?"

"hi, i'm dallon, i'm hiv positive, i'm a taurus, i like to cuddle and watch sitcoms after a long day, and i'm a swiss roll enthusiast." he's cute, too. you huff a bit. cute and funny is a bad combination for you. "i did have one boyfriend, actually, and we were doing great for a while, but there was one slip up where he could've gotten infected, and he drew the line there. dumped me, broke my heart, then moved to fucking navada."

"sounds like an asshole."

"he's not. or wasn't. i haven't talked to him in almost five years. i loved him a lot, and he was so, _so_ kind to me. not even for a second do i regret my relationship with him. i'm still in love with him, if i'm honest. if he came back to me, i would be with him again, no questions asked and without hesitation. i'm loyal to a fault."

"i'm still in love with tyler. nothing's ever going to happen between the two of us again, but that doesn't stop me from loving him with everything i got. he loves me too but we just--we don't work together." you wipe at one of your eyes after that. your break up with tyler was one hundred percent the worst thing that ever happened to you. you're serious--you love him _so, so_ fucking much, and it hurts that you can't have a relationship with him. "i mean, it's not to the point that i couldn't be with anyone else," you don't know why you're saying this, "but it still hurts."

"i understand that one hundred percent, man. to me, it hurts that no one bothers to get to know me. like, do you know how long it's been since i've gotten laid?"

"i could imagine that it's been awhile. i've, uh, slept with hiv positive guys before. it's never really bothered me for some reason. i mean, the first time it came up with anyone i was a little concerned, but i'm careful to have safe sex so it's just--never been a problem. i mean, i usually top anyways, but still. i also usually get tested for stds every three months anyways just to be safe."

"i have a habit of buying condoms on the off chance i'll sleep with someone, but they always expire then i have to buy new ones." dallon scrunches his face up and changes the subject. "what did you do for a living before you got fired?"

"i was an accountant. well, i'm still an accountant, but i'm unemployed. i worked for a big corporation, head of accounting and everything, had great benefits and amazing wages. like, amazing enough that i have enough money in my bank account for me to live off of for at least the next five years or so, but then the drug test happened, so, you know. what about you? antivirals are expensive. you must do something good."

"i have a doctorate's in economics, and i teach economics at ohio state. i'm not, like, super wealthy or anything, but i'm comfortable."

"okay, i'm not meaning to flirt, man, but i find it hard to believe that you're not with anyone. i mean, you're super nice, you're attractive, and you have a good job. you're kind of a wet dream."

"i'm flattered. seriously, you'd be surprised and how much the hiv thing puts people off. it's fucking ridiculous."

you nod, and it's silent for a while, until you're saying, "do you want my phone number...?"

is this a bad idea? maybe. you have bad luck when it comes to tall, skinny, pretty boys. are you still writing your number down on a receipt from his pocket? of course you are.

\---

jenna and tyler come over with dinner, and you sigh. you just want to sink into your comfortable sofa and watch reruns of six feet under, not eat lebanese take out with your ex boyfriend and his fiance. (again, you love jenna, but you're still bitter about tyler not being with you.)

tyler still remembers your order from his dad's restaurant, which shouldn't be that impressive, given you've been friends with him for ten years, but you're still flattered. you sit on one end of your sofa eating your meal out of a take out box with a fork, tyler sits on the floor in front of you, and jenna's in the arm chair next to your side of the couch eating her own thing.

"how was na yesterday?" tyler asks while you're in the middle of a bite. his tone was soft and concerned and he looks up at you with his stupid eyes and sometimes you wish you never had a relationship with him.

"it was fine." you pull the welcome chip out of your pocket and hand it to him. he makes marks on the welcome chips that you have so he knows when you give him one of the ones you already have. he has a purple permanent marker with him this time. not a sharpie, since those wash off if you rub it enough.

"just fine?"

"i gave my phone number to someone." you shrug and place the plastic chip on the table next to you.

"oh? what's he like?" jenna asks this, blue eyes wide and curious. she's so pretty. tyler's lucky.

"tall, pretty, cute, and funny."

"you gave your number to another drug addict?" tyler's left eyebrow shoots up.

"he's been clean for nine years and ten months. we had a nice conversation and he talked to me about his stuff. he's a real inspiring guy, honestly." you take another bite of your food. "i kind of thought he was an asshole at first but he's actually super nice. he's thirty two. he was really into heroin in the early nineties, like, _really_ into it and then something happened to him that was like, some huge wake up call, and he basically gave me a shoulder to cry on and told me that it wasn't impossible to get clean. and it meant a lot."

"you don't usually give your number to people. huh." tyler's right. you really don't. "what about me, though? i get what you're going through."

you roll your eyes. "there's some things you can't talk to your ex boyfriend about, no matter how close you are. no offense."

"eh, you're right." he shrugs, and jenna chuckles from her place nearby. she's always been alright with the fact that you and tyler still like each other. she gets it, and she doesn't expect tyler to suddenly stop loving you just because he's engaged to her.

\---

you figure you scared dallon off somehow, so you just exist in the general vicinity of your condo until he calls you the friday before christmas break usually starts for high schoolers and college students. he doesn't keep you on the phone for more than ten minutes as he asks you if you'd like to go out for dinner.

which is... weird. you've never had a guy ask you out for dinner before. usually it's somewhere like a club or a bar. not dinner. a lot of the time you end up having to make the first move when it comes to men, and tyler says it's because you're a bear _cub._ you usually just gently whack him upside the head when he says that. you are _not_ a bear. you're just a versatile softy who is still going through withdrawals.

hell, even when you were with tyler, you were the one having to ask him on dates, having to be romantic, because that's the shit he likes, but it was a little tiring. you didn't mind, though, because you would and you still would take, like, fifty bullets for him.

the point is that you accept the offer of dinner and you end up with an hour to get ready because dallon's also the kind of guy who doesn't fuck around when it comes to dating. he even tells you as much, says that he could die just from getting a cold at the wrong time, so it's either go big, or go home. he doesn't waste time.

you can admire that.

\---

the date doesn't feel like a date. like, it's definitely a date, but the pressure isn't there. you're not really a romantic guy and you can tell that he isn't a very wordy person. sure, he talks a lot and he's friendly, but he doesn't shower you in compliments, aside from the polite, "you look nice," he gives you when he sees you.

he also doesn't, like, make you feel like some teenager. you're not a very submissive person, but you're not very dominant either, and, honestly, the dinner just feels like two men on equal ground having dinner. it's nice.

he's the kind of person who gives you an out when he doesn't corner you by asking you his next question. "alright, look--i'll be blunt, but i haven't gotten laid in a few years, and you're pretty freakin' hot, so, uh, do you wanna go back to my place...?" he could've asked you in his car, where you didn't have an out, but instead he asks you outside of the restaurant and out of earshot of anyone outside smoking as to not embarrass you. you could walk off and call a cab if you needed to, and you actually appreciate how he goes about asking you that. he also gets nervous and tries covering his ass and you snort at him. "i mean, you said you've, like, slept with guys who had hiv before and said you were all about safe sex, and obviously i'm all about safe sex--"

"slow down, man. you didn't even give me a chance to answer. i was going to say that, yes, i'd like that. it's been a while since i've gotten laid too, and you're pretty easy on the eyes yourself." you're an awkward guy and you think if you weren't awkward you would've smirked but you just chuckle a bit and avoid eye contact.

you're kind of glad that he's actually not a very intimidating guy once you're in his apartment. he doesn't immediately come onto you the second the door is closed, and instead offers you a glass of water. you're actually a little thirsty, so you accept the offer. "figured you were going to want to just get to it," you mumble as you're being handed a glass.

he shakes his head. "nah." he points towards his living room after that, and you get the hint to go sit down. he doesn't invade your personal space as he sits down on the couch. hell, he sits on the other end, with one leg tucked under him and the other hanging off of the couch, and he's facing you a bit. "wanted to ask you a few questions before anything happens."

"ask away, man." you take a tiny sip of the water, swishing it around in your mouth for a second, making sure it's not salty. rohypnol tastes salty. you do this every time you're at someone's apartment to hook up for the first time.

"i didn't slip anything in your drink."

"i know. i like to make sure. had an incident when i was twenty two, if you catch my drift."

"that's reasonable. anyways." he subtly clears his nostrils and for some godawful reason it's sort of cute. "i just want to know if you're _sure_ you want to have sex with me, man."

you look him up and down, and you're obvious about it. "i'm sure. i trust you." you aren't lying. you trust tyler and you trust him.

"one hundred percent? i just want to know if you're going to, like, leave or something before anything actually happens or afterward."

"am i spending the night then?" you raise a brow.

he scrubs a hand down his face, cheeks tinted red. "you don't have to, but i get cuddly, and i'll probably want to make you breakfast in the morning. okay, the second question which i was only going to ask were you to be sure you want to do anything--are you a top or a bottom? i mean, i get it if you want to top--"

"i'm versatile. how about you?"

"versatile top."

"then that's settled."

you won't get detailed, but he's like you in which he isn't overly dominant or submissive. it still feels like both of you are equals and it's not like the sex is mind blowing or anything, but it's still some of the best you've had in a long time. he's slow, he's gentle, and he takes his time, which throws you off, because you're used to rough, fast, and hasty sex. you're also not used to cuddling afterward, at least not since you and tyler broke up, but it's definitely nice.

he doesn't smother you with the cuddling either. in fact, physical contact is kept to almost a minimum, and not in a bad way. (he asked if you wanted to spoon, and you just bluntly said no. he's definitely a big spoon, no questions about it, and you're not overly fond of being the little spoon. it's something about having someone behind you that you don't like.)

you don't mind it. you lay on your stomach with your head on his chest and one of your hands under your cheek, and with your other arm under one of his. there's fingers trailing up and down your back firmly enough to not tickle and you sleep easily for the first time since you stopped using. (you'd developed quite a case of insomnia since you stopped using.)

you wake up to the smell of bacon and you gag. you hate meat. you have a bunch of weird food allergies and if it comes from an animal, it will either cause you to go into anaphylactic shock or you'll get a stomach ache bad enough that it feels like your gal bladder is about to burst. again. (when you were in fifth grade your appendix burst, then four months later your gal bladder burst. it was a horrible year. dallon asked you about the ten or so tiny scars on your stomach so you briefly explained before cutting the conversation off since you were kind of getting a blowjob when he asked.)

you stand up and you feel... weird. it's been a _long_ time since you've woken up from a one night stand with a sore ass and without being hungover, or crashing. your clothes are folded up neatly on top of his dresser, with your belt, your wallet, and the few other things you had in your pockets on top of your shirt. you poke through the stack of clothes until you find your boxers, and you slip those on. you put your socks on too so that your feet don't make any noise on his hardwood flooring as you silently step out of his bedroom and towards the kitchen.

you knock on the wall next to the arch quietly, and you're yawning when he's turning around and asking, "do you like bacon?"

you shake your head. "i'm vegan. i'm allergic to meats and dairy. i can have fish, though."

he makes a face, and groans. "guess i'm having extra breakfast today. you can look through my fridge and pantry and see if there's anything you can eat if you want." he waves a hand towards his fridge before returning it to the handle of the pan he's working with.

you open his fridge. there's nothing in there that you like, can have, or want to eat in the first place.

you open his freezer. there's frozen fruits, and you saw bananas on his counter, so you ask, "do you have a blender?"

"uh, yeah. in the cabinet above the sink."

"can i make myself a smoothie? i'll wash the blender out."

"i can do it...?"

"it's a _smoothie_. it'll take less than a minute."

he turns his head to stick his tongue out at you, and you flip him off, which causes him to start laughing pretty loudly. "not the response i was going for."

you giggle a little bit. you weren't expecting to have that reflex in the first place.

you sit at his kitchen table with him drinking a strawberry, mango, banana, blueberry, and kale smoothie. it's a good smoothie, surprisingly. it's brown, though. he eats more food than it looks like he can hold, and makes small talk with you. it's probably the weirdest normal experience you've had. like, it's not weird--that's the point. you've had a weird life.

to make conversation, he asks, "you doing anything for christmas?"

you shake your head. you're not. tyler's going to detroit with jenna to spend christmas with her family, and your parents cut you off after you came out, plus your brother lives in fucking _japan,_ so, no, you don't have any plans. "no. i'm gonna rent some movies from blockbuster, lose one of them, then find out i ended up accidentally owing them a few grand when they go to a collection agency."

"that's oddly specific. i'm going to go to my parents house, drink a little too much at their yearly party after exchanging gifts in the morning, then i'll sleep on their couch and go home slightly hungover the next morning. that's what i've done every year since i moved out."

"sounds fun."

"do your parents live out of state or something?" he just assumes you have good relationships with them. he's too optimistic.

"no. they live a few miles from my condo. i came out to them after i moved out at eighteen and they cut me off. my brother moved to japan, something about his heritage, and my passport expired a few months ago or i'd spend christmas with him. i haven't spoken with them in ten years. literally."

"sounds rough, buddy."

you roll your eyes. "that's, like, the worst response you could've had to that."

"do you want me to start crying or something?" he raises an eyebrow.

"no. i'm alright with that response. most people just say, "oh, josh, i'm so sorry! that must be horrible!" then ask a bunch of invasive questions."

"ah. i try not to pry when it comes to stuff like that. it's none of my business."

you can respect that.

\---

you start applying for jobs again after the first of the year. you would've tried sooner, but people usually don't hire at the end of a quarter. dallon helps you polish up your resume and he sits next to you at your coffee table to give you input as you're filling out applications.

he sits a little too close and you don't think he's doing it on purpose. you don't mind. "i hate filling out these fucking applications. they're for such shitty jobs, too."

"how much were you making?"

"i have five million in my bank account."

he whistles under his breath. "damn."

"i was making so much per hour, and most of these only offer, at the _max,_ seventeen an hour if you have a degree."

"you have a degree, right?"

"got my master's a few years ago. i've spent a ridiculous amount of money on college, so you'd think these jobs wouldn't be shit." you throw your pen down on the table and you put your face in your hands. "i fucking ruined my life."

"you'll find another job, man." dallon rubs your back sympathetically and you just sigh into your palms.

it takes you a few more hours to finish up all of your job applications, and at that point it's about eight in the evening, so you pop the footrests on the two middle seats on your couch, and put the dvd for the first season of some weird japanese cartoon that tyler forced you to watch a few years ago. you don't need the subtitles for it, but dallon makes you go put in the disc with subtitles after, like, five minutes. well, he doesn't make you, but he does say, "you know what's nice? subtitles are nice," and you get the hint.

you don't like subtitles, mostly since you focus more on reading them than the actual show, and also since this show kind of helps you maintain your level of fluency in japanese. (you've been fluent your whole life, but speaking english most of the time has it's cons.)

"do you speak japanese or something?" dallon asks after a while.

"yeah. my dad's japanese. or, well, half japanese, but he grew up in japan. _k_ _are wa bakadashi, mojidōri, kare o nikumu._ _" (he's a fucking asshole and i, literally, hate him.)_

"that was pretty hot, man."

you snort and elbow him. "just wanted to prove myself."

"would it be too much if i kissed you?"

"no."

he kisses you.

you smile genuinely for the first time in a while.

\---

you didn't really want tyler to meet dallon for a few reasons. one, tyler's your ex boyfriend, and you're afraid of somehow fucking up your friendship with him were he to meet dallon. you're not, like, in a full on relationship with dallon, but you're getting there. slowly. that's another reason. you didn't want tyler meeting him until you actually had something that you were at least pretty sure was going to last.

tyler's your best friend, though, and still has a tendency to just walk into your condo without knocking. usually, you're alright with it. he lived with you for three years and still has a key, so he's just used to being able to do that. he's also, literally, seen every inch of your body, so it's not like you're scared of him catching you doing something.

and it's not like you were doing anything with _dallon_ _,_ because you weren't. it's more like the two of you were cuddling while watching the show you mentioned earlier, and that he'd fallen asleep with his face smushed into your chest. you think that if you weren't 6'2" having him sleep on you would be overwhelming, but it's really not. it's comfortable, if anything. (you're kind of just a big guy anyways. you're tall and you're muscular.)

tyler's usually quiet about coming into your condo, but you did hear the door open and shut, so you don't jump or startle when his head peeks over the back of your couch. you look up at him and sigh quietly, because he has one of those stupid shit eating looks and he's pointing at dallon, whispering, _"is that the guy?"_

you've mentioned dallon a few times to him, and you apparently get a slightly stupid look on your face when you _do_ talk about him. you try to be gentle about waking him up by patting one of his cheeks, before you pinch one of his arms. not hard, but enough to sting a bit and to actually wake him up. he doesn't open his eyes, but he knows you were trying to wake him up. "y'know, a 'dallon, wake up,' will do, josh."

"sounds always scare the shit out of me whenever i get woken up. we have a visitor." at that his eyes blink open and gravitate towards tyer.

"huh. i can see why you liked him," he mumbles, and you kind of like how he just instinctualy knew who tyler was. (either that, or he saw the few pictures of you and tyler you had on the 'picture wall.') he closes his eyes again but sticks his hand up, intending for tyler to shake it. tyler does, and he introduces himself. "i'm dallon, theeconomics professor who doubles as a swiss roll enthusiast."

tyler shakes his hand. "tyler. i can see why he likes _you_."

"go away, tyler." you glare up at him. your glare holds no water and he knows this. he sticks his tongue out at you.

"can't do that, josh, because i have food."

"let me guess--lebanese take out?" you ask with a grunt as you're shooing dallon off of you so you can sit up properly. there aren't any vegan dishes at his dad's restaurant, but, his dad is also a super nice guy who goes out of his way to make your favorite dish, but with tofu instead of meat, whenever tyler shows up.

"of course." tyler holds up a paper bag.

\---

eating dinner with your ex boyfriend and your current... not boyfriend, because you're still working on that, is only a little awkward. mostly, _you're_ awkward. tyler? he's perfectly fine and smooth, and so is dallon. tyler likes him, though, and that's all you really care about. (tyler also looks at the track marks on his arms to make sure none of them are recent. most of them are faded and barely visible, meaning tyler's happy and satisfied. he worries just a little too much.

\---

you miss an na meeting the first week of february because you had a shitty day and didn't have it in you to really even leave your condo. you'd just started a new job, and, unfortunately, your boss is an asshole. you've noticed that, without drugs, you're a sensitive and soft guy, whereas with drugs, you're large and in charge and you don't take any shit.

without drugs, you also cry and have a lot of panic attacks because you're not dependent on anything anymore. you suppose you should talk to your psychiatrist about getting a prescription for an anti anxiety medication. that might help.

you're exhausted and laying in your bed watching shitty romantic comedies on the crt television in there seemed like a good choice. and it was a good choice. you think straight people movies are stupid, but there's not any gay movies that you can stand either, so you deal.

dallon calls your phone, mostly to just ask why you weren't at the na meeting. you tell him you had a really, _really_ shitty day and that you didn't really even have it in you to get out of bed. he's a nice guy and apparently remembers that you're able to have fish, so he offers to get you something to eat with fish in it.

you're hesitant at first, not really wanting him to go out of his way, but you give him the address to a japanese restaurant and give him your usual order. (curry and rice, separate, and tempura. you tell him to _make sure_ that the tempura is fish and not beef or pork. you also recommend a dish that's the most american. it rhymes with something ending in an '-en' sound. ramen is still technically japanese, but that specific restaurant makes it the way americans usually eat it, so you figure he'd like it.)

you hate your dad, since he's abusive and in general a huge asshole, but when it comes to japanese food, you prefer _his_ food, mostly since it's actually japanese and not americanized. you also got disowned, basically, so you can't go to him if you ever need comfort food, and the restaurant you told dallon about is the one you know that's closest to actual japanese food.

before hanging up the phone, you tell him you have a key stuck to the top of your door frame with a piece of duct tape, since you're probably still going to be under your blankets in a fetal position watching 'how to lose a guy in 10 days.' you have a crush on matthew mcconaughey.

you sit up in your bed and on top of your blankets when two take out cartons are being set in front of you, plus a plastic fork, a plastic spoon, and chopsticks. "didn't know if you used chopsticks or not, so i asked for plastic silverware just in case." you're also handed a strawberry banana smoothie from a mcdonald's, and you sort of want to cry. that specific smoothie is your favorite.

you thank him and tell him he can eat in your room if he wants. you set the plastic silverware on your side table so you can remember to put them into the drawer that you have reserved for plastic silverware from take out restaurants that you never use.

"how do you not get heartburn from curry?" he asks when he sees you dipping a piece of the tempura into the curry.

"why do you assume that i don't?" you raise your eyebrows.

"fair point. do you?"

"no. i only get heartburn if it's especially spicy, but it's not this time. usually i use it to dip tempura in, then i mix whatever's leftover in with the rice. this meal is, specifically, my favorite to eat on bad days."

he nods and doesn't ask you anything else about your eating habits. he asks about why your day was shitty, though, in the least invasive way possible. tyler usually just flat out tells you to tell him, but he just politely asks rather than trying to pry. you don't mind that tyler pries but sometimes you don't want to talk about things.

"my new boss is kind of an asshole. i made a typo and typed a one instead of a two at the end of a small sum of money. i wrote twenty one cents instead of twenty two, and he tore into me over it. i then proceeded to start crying from being overwhelmed once he walked out of my office."

he winces a little bit. "that sucks."

you shrug. "i guess. i think the hardest part of not using anymore is that i'm actually forced to feel things rather than drinking or smoking or snorting whatever the hell and pretending i'm fine." it's the truth.

"it gets easier. i was like that for a few years after i quit using heroin. i mean, it wasn't like i was absolutely terrible for those few years then suddenly got better, but over time it evened out. it was really hard having to cope without drugs, but i started working on my degree again and found a few hobbies to help cope. i think the only problem i've had was getting prescribed vicodin after i broke my leg a while back."

"what's wrong with vicodin?"

"vicodin has acetaminophen and hydrocodone in it, and hydrocodone is an opioid. heroin is also an opioid. i didn't know vicodin had any opioids in it, but it's on a mental list of medications i avoid like the plague. anyways--back to what i was saying--it gets easier. you're still going through withdrawals probably, and those can last for freaking ever. trust me, _i know."_

"you know how this all started? i met some guy at a fucking club, and the word i would use to describe him is 'predator.' not in the creepy child molester way, but more like he preys on stupid eighteen year olds and offers them 'gifts,' knowing they'll come back for more. i happened to be one of those stupid eighteen year olds. started with ecstasy, i think, and escalated."

"the girlfriend i had offered me heroin and said it'd help. i was never really mad at her for it. i mean, it fucked my life up, but she genuinely thought she was doing the right thing, and she had good intentions. my parents think she's, like, satan incarnated, but she's not. she's not a bad person, just like i'm not a bad person. either of us just... fucked up, i guess. made a few bad decisions. i try not to let my bad decisions define me, and in my head i don't let her bad decisions define her either. like, there was a lot more to her than the drug stuff. she was super nice, she was great at cooking, great in _bed,"_ he chuckles a little bit, "and she was super pretty. she was a model when i met her, but i think her modeling agency dropped her at some point. i don't know. sorry for rambling."

you shake your head. "it's fine. tyler blabs my ear off about jenna. also, sorry, fuck--i feel bad whenever i talk about him, but he's my best friend and i care about him, a _lot."_

"don't worry about that. you're still in love with him, y'know? i don't expect you to suddenly be over him just because i entered the picture. i even told you, but i'm still in love with my ex partner that i had from the ages of twenty five to twenty eight. i try not to let it get in the way of any relationships i have."

"what was he like? can i ask that?"

"of course. unlike anyone i've ever met. i've always gone after strange people, or at least people with strong personalities, and he was one of them. he loves journey and queen and he was really, _really_ talented when it came to music. like, he can sing, he can play piano, guitar, even, and a lot of other instruments. he's actually sort of famous now. no one ever believes me whenever i drop his name, though."

"what's his name?" you're curious.

"brendon urie."

"shit, for real? god, i saw him on mtv once, and i've had such a hard on for him since then."

dallon chuckles. "i don't blame you. i keep my radio off in my car because he always pops up whenever i turn it on. i mean, i love him, but it doesn't stop me from getting sad whenever i hear his music. he's really kind, too. i mean, he still broke my heart after we broke up, but... he's a really good guy. alright, there was one time he had an interview, and he talked about me. it was the only one i happened to watch just because it was on et and i didn't have time to change it since i was in a different room."

"yeah?" you're asking around another mouthful of tempura and curry.

"yeah. i dropped what i was doing and watched it. whoever was interviewing him asked him if he had any regrets, and he like... it made me cry, but he talked about how he really regretted breaking up with someone that he had something with, and that it literally haunts him. i just--i've never been mad with him, but i did say, "you fucking idiot," when i was watching it. he goes out of his way on stage to sing 'somebody to love,' which, by the way, is my favorite song. it's just--freddy mercury had hiv, and i just--i think that song kind of alluded to that, and i relate to it on such a personal level, and i hate taking myself too seriously but i feel like he sings it on stage because of me."

you smile a little sadly. not because you're sad that you're not the only person he likes, but because you can relate to it with tyler. "tyler--he's talented with music too. he never went anywhere with it, but he does a lot of things that he used to do when we were together. it's never anything major, but it's stuff you don't do with someone who's just a friend. i mean, he's always taken care of me. if i get sick, he's there with a thermometer and a glass of orange juice, or if i go through withdrawals he's there taking care of me, and the few times i've overdosed he's been the one to take me to emergency rooms. i've had to quit telling him when shit happens to me, because he always _shows up_ and it hurts."

"what does his fiance think about it?"

"she doesn't care. she gets it. she knows we were friends for a long time and in a relationship for three years. she's kind of like you--she doesn't expect him to stop loving me, and she knows he never will stop. i mean, personally, i think he was, or maybe is, the love of my life, and it sucks i can't be with him." you stab your chopsticks into a piece of tempura now.

"pretty sure brendon was the love of my life. he's married now. i've seen his wife on tv a few times and she's--she's beautiful. i'm sort of glad we're on the same page about stuff like this. i mean, it's always been awkward for me with potential partners because i just... they're seriously never okay with it, but you're in the same situation and it's like--"

"nice to have someone who gets it and who isn't going to run off because of it?"

"yeah, that. i'm huge on full disclosure about that stuff. i mean, i hope that one day i'll be over him for good, but it's been four years and i'm barely starting to."

"i don't know if i'll ever be over tyler. i might, one day, but i actually still talk to him. we took a break from being friends for a year just to give either of us time apart and to get over each other. he met jenna and she's been _really_ good to him. i'll never be mad at him for being with her."

"when did you break up with him? uh, sorry if i'm nosy. i'm just curious."

"well, it was a mutual thing for one thing. i was twenty... three and he was twenty one? i think? it's been about the same amount of time since you broke up with brendon probably. we went to the same high school, and i met him a year before i graduated. we stayed friends and got together once he turned eighteen. i am two and a half years older than him."

he finishes his ramen, and breaks his chopsticks in half and sticks them in the carton before closing it and placing it in front of him. you've just barely started on your rice. you eat really slowly for some reason. "y'know, i have actual chopsticks in my kitchen. like, good ones. not wood ones. i mean, wood ones can be good, but i have ones better than take out ones."

"i think i'd be wasted if i took a shot everyone you said 'ones' in that sentence."

"watch it, or i'll spill my curry on you." you punctuate your sentence by pointing at him with your chopsticks, which are holding a clump of rice dipped in curry.

he giggles and you crack a grin.

"you're serious about it getting easier?"

"a hundred percent. if you're okay with it, i'd suggest talking to your doctor and asking about mental health stuff. i was, uh, on an anti anxiety thing for awhile until i could deal with it completely on my own."

"i'll look into it."

\---

you were kind of trying to make it a thing not to sleep with dallon again until you got to know him better but when you have two emotional drug addicts who aren't using anymore, shit happens. anyways, you're not the guy who's going to complain just from getting fucked good.

you kind of hit a hiccup with _tyler_ a month later when you're having lunch with him, jenna, and mark. mark's one of their friends, but you like him enough that you're willing to sit next to him while eating lunch.

you talk about dallon a little bit, and mark--he's a bit of a smart ass, but he always has good intentions. he asks, "is there something wrong with him? he sounds perfect. if he's perfect there's gotta be something wrong."

you make eye contact with tyler for a split second and after swallowing your bite of salad you say, "he's hiv positive and he's been clean for nine and a half years. i don't really count them as problems unless a condom were to break or there's any opioids around and he suddenly can't control himself, though."

you've been meaning to tell tyler about the hiv thing for a while, but you keep forgetting and you haven't found a good moment to bring it up until now. "dude, break up with him. the hiv shit isn't worth it." _not exactly the reaction i was hoping for._

"would you break up with jenna if she had hiv?"

"that's different--"

"no, it's not. you love her, and i'm on my way to loving him, and it'd be a really shitty thing for me to do if i broke up with him over that. i've slept with guys who have hiv before anyways, and i know how to have safe sex. his t-cell count is normal, he's perfectly healthy, _on_ medications for it, and i get checked for stds, hiv included, every three months." yes, you kind of had this argument prepared just in case this situation happened. you went out of your way to educate yourself fully on hiv a few weeks after you slept with him the first time. "there's more to him than his hiv status and the mistakes he's made. you, of all people, should know that." you give him a sour look, jenna keeps her mouth shut, and mark bites his cheek.

tyler doesn't say anything else, but you know he's not happy with you.

\---

tyler usually sends you at least a text once a day, but after a week with no word from him, you quit checking. it's his problem if he wants to stop talking to you over something like this. you're not the kind of guy who lets his friends push him around, at least when it comes to relationships and... certain things, and although you have a high tolerance for tyler's bullshit, you _do not_ let him dictate your relationships. you don't let anyone do that. sure, you'll ask for advice and take advice, but he doesn't get to decide whether or not you can be in a relationship.

\---

you've been having dinner at dallon's apartment a lot lately. it's the first week of april now, he's good at cooking, and makes sure to cook things that are vegan. you keep saying this, but it really touches you and makes your day when people go out of their way for you when it comes to food.

it's also nice to not be alone, at least in the evenings. you don't have a lot of friends that you regularly hang out with, and tyler hasn't been talking to you for a few weeks. dallon also feels more like a really good friend that you kiss and sleep with sometimes rather than your boyfriend and that's fine with you.

it's not a friends with benefits situation, but more like two people enjoying each other's company. personally, you like the companionship, and, alright, you've only known him for four months, but he's the first person in a long time who's made you _feel_ something other than disappointment at the fact that it's not going to work out. like, in your gut, you can definitely see yourself with him in the future.

the pressure that you usually feel in relationships isn't there, and there's no honeymoon phase. you like it. you do. whenever there's a honeymoon phase in your relationships, they always crash and burn once it's over and once the sex becomes less frequent. (tyler was the exception, and, as mentioned, like, five hundred times, the two of you only broke it off because your relationship was super codependent and unhealthy.)

you've only slept with him three times, you've only gone on three dates, and you're not sure _why_ you like this. like, alright, you know why, but you don't know why you're just--why you're okay with it.

"you have a thinking look on your face." dallon states this before he takes a sip of one of his monthly beers. you learned that they're monthly.

"i know."

"can i ask what's on your mind?"

"tyler hasn't talked to me in three weeks and i'm just contemplating my life, i guess. nothing new."

"why hasn't he spoken with you?"

you puff your cheeks out as you let out a breath. "i went out to lunch with him, jenna, and one of their friends mark, and mark doesn't really talk to me much, so he asked how my life was going. talked about going to na again and sticking with it for more than a month, and talked about you. mark's--mark's kind of a smart ass, and the way i described you made him ask what your fatal flaw was. not how he phrased it, but i'm trying to be funny."

dallon does roll his eyes and huffs a little laugh.

"i told them your hiv status. i've been meaning to tell tyler, since he's my best friend, and he didn't, like, have a good reaction. he told me to dump you, i told him off, and he wasn't too happy with me so he quit talking to me. i get it, i guess, but like... i'm not going to let him dictate my relationships. it's not his place."

"it's still not cool that he's not talking to you just because of that."

when dallon gets a sort of dejected look on his face, you take it upon yourself to sit on his lap, facing him. "get that look off your face. tyler can be an asshole sometimes. he'll come around. you're a great person, and aren't you always telling me not to let my mistakes define me?" you adjust his tie that he never took off after he got home from work.

he's gentle as he brushes your hair out of your face. you scrunch your face up just a little bit. you sort of feel as if he's too good for you, but he's done enough shit to where both of you are on the same level as far as morality goes.

\---

you meet dallon's parents in june, on accident. tyler's spoken to you a few times since april, and you can tell he's just awkward and not sure on how to go about speaking to you regularly again, but it's to the point you haven't been home as much as you usually are, and that it's starting to become common that you spend the night at dallon's apartment more than necessary. to reiterate, you get lonely.

dallon's a little too tired when his doorbell goes off, so he asks you if you'd answer the door for him. you were already awake and looking at a text message from one of your other friends that you'd gotten while you were asleep. he scares the shit out of you as his right arm flies out so he can grab your arm, and you'd already had a heart attack over the doorbell scaring you, so he definitely didn't help matters. "if you'd answer the door, i would be eternally grateful."

you peel his fingers from your arm and mess his hair up before sliding off of the bed with a giggle as he opens his eyes to glare at you. he gets grumpy and it's adorable. you steal a pair of his slippers, since the two of you have about the same shoe size, and you steal one of his robes since you're in a pair of boxers. you tie the robe shut and pray you don't look like too much of a mess while you're walking through the apartment and to the door.

you open it, and when you see a woman who's the spitting image of dallon, but more feminine, and a man who's the same height as dallon, you cringe internally. he asked you if you wanted to me his parents, and you were up for it, but you didn't think it'd be on a saturday morning, at nine, and in your underwear. (if you don't count the robe and the slippers.)

you're tempted to just let them assume they have the wrong apartment when they ask about dallon, but you figure he would probably give you a dirty look before calling his parents to assure them that he does, indeed, live in the same place, but that you're awkward and bad at handling awkward situations.

they're his parents, so you just--you invite them in, then you speed walk to his bedroom and wake him up, whisper yelling, _"your parents are here!"_ before you're across the room and rifling through your overnight bag for the outfit you'd packed for today.

he rolls over quickly, sitting up straight, then he almost trips as he tumbles out of his bed to look for a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. you emerge from his bedroom a few minutes later looking slightly too formal. cons of being an accountant, you guess. most of your outfits involve button ups, blazers, slacks, and a tie. you ditched the tie today, because, like, it's a saturday, but _still._

you stand there awkwardly with your hands on your hips, looking back and forth between dallon and his parents. he looks just about as awkward as you do, and you assume he hasn't said anything about you to his parents yet. you don't blame him for that. you'd say that you haven't told yours, but it's been almost eleven years since you've spoken to them. you did mention dallon to your brother at some point, though.

dallon's father is the one to break the awkward silence. "so, uh, who's your friend here?"

you want to die.

dallon is more awkward than you are you've decided. he walks over to you, and grabs your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours, saying, "this is josh, my, uh... what would you use to describe our relationship?"

you want to say partners, but you don't live with him or share any expenses aside from covering dinner every other time the two of you go out to eat, and you'd say significant other, but that sounds weird, and you'd say boyfriend, but that's too casual and too adolescent for your tastes. "we're together. that's simple enough, right?" you look at him.

he shrugs.

his mother states that her and dallon's father wanted to take dallon out for breakfast, and that you're invited too, now.

\---

the breakfast goes alright.

you get the 'if you hurt him, i'll kill you' talk from his mother, and his father grills you, asking about your job, your prospects, your own home, your _car,_ even, and he's sure to make sure that you're not going to run out on dallon the second things get tough. (your answers, respectively, are: _'i'm an accountant, i have alright benefits, a 401k, and decent savings, i live in a condo in the nice part of columbus, i drive a jag, and, no, i'm not going to do that.)_

you've only met tyler's parents. his mom didn't like you, but his dad did. they didn't pry too much into your personal life, mostly since you were twenty and tyler was eighteen when the two of you got together.

\---

you find a kitten early in august. he's smaller than kittens usually are, so you figure he's the runt of the litter. you look around for signs of a mother, but you find none, so you take your shirt off and cradle the kitten before going to your car and going to the nearest vet to your condo. yes, you're shirtless the whole time, but you heard somewhere that kittens need to be kept warm. you get to put your shirt back on when you're in the clinic, though.

you find out that the kitten is about five weeks old and that, given his age, the vet guesses that it wasn't his mother who abandoned him, but rather a person, and it pisses you off. you hate when people do this shit to animals, and you almost start crying in the middle of the room.

the kitten gets a flea shot and a shot just in case he has worms, then you're leaving the clinic with a suggestion to name him mittens since he's black with white spots on his feet, and another suggestion to go to petsmart and buy supplies.

you end up naming him spooky, mostly since you hate naming cats mittens. you could just take him to the humane society in columbus, but you have hardwood flooring, and you have enough time to take care of a kitten, now, since you got fired, _again._ (this time it was because your boss found out you were gay, and since there aren't any laws protecting queers in the workplace.)

you still have people that you do taxes for, but it's not a reliable source of income. dallon made a promise to teach you how to invest in the stock market and how to tell when a stock is about to either go up or tank.

you buy a cat tree that's way bigger than necessary, food dishes, food that kittens can eat, a litter box, and a bed that looks comfortable enough for the cat to sleep on. you had a few cats growing up, and you make it a point not to let this little guy lay on your chest. (you had a really fat cat at some point that would, literally, push you over just to lay on your chest.)

\---

you don't get to see dallon for a month after the semester starts. he gets really busy in the beginning and ends of semesters, so you get it. he's close enough to you that you're cool if he just walks into your condo instead of knocking. tyler's started knocking when he comes over again and for some reason you hate that he doesn't just walk in, but things have been awkward since the one time he didn't talk to you for, like, a month.

dallon shoots you a text to tell you he's coming over, then shows up about an hour later sometime in september. you're laying on your couch watching friends with spooky curled up on your stomach when he walks in. you're bad at reading facial expressions, but you can tell he's had a bad day when he makes eye contact with you. he walks over and sits in front of your couch, and rests his head against one of your biceps.

"did something happen?"

"t-cells went down and my meds probably quit working."

"how down?"

"upper three hundreds. my viral load went up too. i've already been prescribed a new cocktail. i fucking hate this disease. it sucks."

you move the arm his head is on, and you run your fingers through his hair, trying to be affectionate. "probably won't make you feel better, but i had leukemia when i was a kid. could've died, but i pulled through. i sorta get it."

"glad you're okay now." he mumbles. spooky reaches over with his head and starts licking dallon's hair, and you start cackling a little bit. your cackling dies off though when you see the familiar trembling in his shoulders. you've only seen him cry once, and it was during titanic. both of you are the kind of people who have to avoid emotional movies, because once you start crying, you won't stop until you've had a full blown panic attack.

you figure out you don't like seeing him cry pretty quickly. he's not really an ugly crier, honestly, but it still breaks your heart seeing him cry. he's just--he's upset, and has every reason to be. he just cries for a while, and stays where he's at in front of your couch, letting you run your fingers through his hair once in a while.

he admits that he's scared. you try your best to rationalize things for him, saying he's already on new medications, and that he's going to be alright. he's healthy, he exercises regularly, and he eats properly. you tell him that too. he thanks you and ends up spending the night because he doesn't want to be alone.

\---

tyler pops up a few weeks after dallon got his meds changed, and he's a fucking mess. he's crying, he's _drunk,_ and you can tell he's high. on what, you're not sure, but he's your best friend so you get him to drink some water and get him to tell you what's wrong.

jenna was pregnant, had a miscarriage, and their relationship fell apart and she left him a few days ago. you get why he was a mess but you wish he would've come to you rather than finding his drug dealer and copping some dope.

he sleeps on your couch and the next morning after he's mostly over his hangover he asks if you want to get back together.

you tell him no, and when he asks you why, you say, "you relapsed and i don't trust you not to drag me down with you, i don't want to be your rebound, we aren't capable of having a healthy relationship, and i just--i love dallon, alright? we're doing really good and you just--you don't get to come back to me, crying, making me feel guilty, then asking me to get back together with you. it's really fucking uncool and unfair because you _know_ i still love you."

he only sticks around long enough to shower before he calls a cab and goes home.

\---

you have a full disclosure policy with dallon so you go to his apartment and you're there waiting for him when he gets home. he knows that something's wrong with you right off the bat, so once he's sat down with a bottle of water, you just say, "tyler wants to get back together."

he looks disappointed. "is this it, then?"

"no. he showed up at my condo, drunk and tweaked, and crying. jenna was pregnant and had a miscarriage and it fucked their relationship up apparently, so he figured he could come back to me, crying, and that i'd take him back, no questions asked. if this would've happened at any other point in time, i probably would've, but i just... i told him no. he relapsed, and i know he'd have drugs around, and i don't trust him not to drag me down with him. he tried taking advantage of me because he knows i still love him, but i love you too, and i like what we have more than i like what i had with tyler, because we actually have a healthy relationship, and, man, i don't want to be his fucking rebound. i deserve more than that. i'm not some consolation prize because it didn't work out with his pretty blonde dime piece of a fiance."

and now he looks surprised. "you--you seriously want to give up your chance with him for me...?"

"yeah. i mean, i don't think me and you are star crossed lovers or anything, because we aren't teenagers, but i really do love you. you're good for me in the way jenna was good for him. you're also more responsible and stable, whereas he's just... too much. too wild. we have a different dynamic that i like better."

"you're not into the idea of having some teenage dream kind of relationship, right?"

"yeah, basically. there's a weird maturity balance between me and tyler and there always has been, but i don't have that with you, so i don't feel like i'm taking care of some kid half the time, even though he was usually the one taking care of me when i slipped and fell in the mud." you sigh and you let him push you onto his back since he's suddenly in a cuddly mood. "for a long time i wanted one of those relationships. like, constant honeymoon phase kind of relationships. those kinds of relationships always crash and burn and i just--i'm twenty nine. i know i'm still young sorta, but i need stability in my life and something that's going to last. i know if i went back to tyler again it'd end up not working out and i can't handle another break up with him. i about damn near killed myself last time."

dallon kisses the corner of your jaw. "i'll be here as long as you'll have me, alright?"

you smile a little bit and thank him. things are gonna be okay.


End file.
